What Is Trust?
Trust has always been a shaky subject for me
For some reason i have a feeling that so many others like me trusted their home to be their safe place.
Having trusted my biological dad to actually come back when he would
instead he made his appearance whenever it was convenient for him
The ones closest to me including my family, i trusted them to not judge me or speak badly of me when I wasn’t around.
I trusted that someday I would break out of the hell in my home and be with someone who would treat me differently.
( leaving home at an early age really isn’t as easy as you would think, for me anyways, especially when supporting myself and the person that I spent all of my time with when not working or going to school).
Life should never be that hard for a young teenager-.
this person was trusted with my whole life, finances, my mind, most importantly my body.
Yes, i trusted someone that I was very close to while enduring most of my childhood trauma, to come to find that they were behind a lot of it.
( I don’t think they will ever understand the hurt they have really caused me).
The trust i had for my older cousin to not harm me.
Was the same trust i had for my two older step brothers to protect me
there was a huge line between love and affection with this man they called “dad”.
He never actually allowed me to call him that myself.
There was too many times I had been hit to write about a single one event
but even worse I had watched him beat the crap out of my oldest step brother just so he could prove his strength to him,
maybe it was to all of us- as if beating my mother down in front of us wasn’t enough.
This was the man whom we as a family gave our trust.
He had to degrade the ones closest to him to feel good about himself but only would allow certain people to see.
I have trusted so many people in my life who have never deserved it.
The worst part is that I have yet to trust myself, but im learning
All of these things have slapped me in the face.
All of these people and things I have been betrayed by but yet I still want them there.
Always searching for pure happiness I swear has always been my goal.
Even though I was afraid to be as a child, I always wanted to be just happy.
God has given me a spirit of happiness for a reason and I will be damned if I live a large portion of my life sad, angry, or depressed about my past and the wrong doings that have been done to me.
Because none of that can be changed. None of it.. even confronting those who have hurt me and saying “ see what you did to me?
How could you?
Why would you say and do those things? I was such a young girl. All I wanted to be was happy and you knew that“ it will never help..
it will never do any good.
Because not only do these people that have hurt you probably not care about what they have done
but they are so consumed by all of the bad they have done that they themselves don’t believe it, or at least won’t ever admit it.
No need to sugarcoat..they don’t care about you or your feelings or what really happens to you. And I have come to terms with that.
It’s an ugly one, but it’s the truth.
Trust can be a new thing you create for yourself and for your kids.
Having trust is so much more than being comfortable. Its apart of your faith, your relationships, and most importantly your happiness.
We need to take care of ourselves by allowing the right people for us in our lives and taking care of and loving on them.
And TRUST that they will do the same in return.
You can have trust again and you can have healthy relationships again.
Its all about getting rid of the ones that aren’t good for us.
* If my posts encourage you at all please don’t be shy to let me know! Your feedback truly encourages me!❤️