Understanding Gods Grace
I want to put some negativity aside and share my story of how Gods grace has unfolded time and time again in my life and how understanding it has been the catalyst to my happiness.
Its hard to put it all in one post because god has really been doing some work in my life for so stinkin long.
My story about faith, hope and grace hasn’t played out like all the rest; but rather how my husband and I have tirelessly learned heartbreak after the next, to put them to use together throughout our entire relationship.
I guess you can say its really all about perspective.
It was about 5 am on Christmas morning, and our first born child had just so happened to be awake in his crib. As i began to pluck boogers out of my eyeballs i turned around and realized that Jordan was down on one knee about to propose to me.
(The sweetest thing ever is when you see your significant other try so hard to do something for you, that they literally cant even sleep. It was clear he hadn’t even slept by the bags under his eyes and the hoarseness in his voice.)
Even though we knew we had a long road ahead of us, we knew we wanted to be together, forever.
This was Jordan’s way of promising me that I was forever his, and to give me that security. We talked about wedding dates right away knowing that would be the first question to be asked by everyone under the sun. I mean, isn’t it always?
There’s totally a rule for announcing certain life events that other people just place expectations on you. “Just for completing one accomplishment you must hurry and complete the next” makes no sense to me, but it seems to be that way.
Anyways, this was Christmas of 2012 that we got engaged. We didn’t get married until July of 2018.
It might seem like a shocker, but we wanted to have the “perfect” wedding. And we knew we needed to save a lot of money to make it happen.
I always dreamed of having a big wedding. Being the responsible young adults we thought we were being, we assumed we were buying ourselves some time.
So we purposely had our wedding planned for 7/22/18. 3 of our lucky numbers. 22 was always my number before I met Jordan and when we met and he told me it was his too, I knew we had to be married on the 22nd!
During the entire 8 years of us knowing each other we have gone through trial after trial.
Just like for everyone else at one point or another, life hadn’t always been so kind.
Because of understanding grace, we have learned to pull through every time.
For the first few years of our relationship, life felt pretty close to perfect.
Jordan had an amazing job that brought in a very generous income. and having only once child and no health concerns at the time, life was pretty much stress free.
I was at a point after having our first baby where I was starting to feel comfortable with my body. Truly, i was starting to feel like life had me on top of the clouds. The excitement was real and I couldn’t wait to marry my best friend and to have our next baby. We had plans to have only 2 babies and to get fixed right after.
Life had me right where I thought I wanted to be.
Then it happened.
Jordan and I were pregnant with our second baby. Everything was exciting and all, but the one thing that was different was the pregnancy. As soon as I became pregnant my body was triggered by some pretty scary changes. Every day became a struggle for my body from that point forward.
Of course I was pregnant, so I waited 9 long months for it to be over. For it to just not be over.
The problems my body began to have didn’t go away and in fact demanded our whole lives be changed. I could no longer enjoy the life I wanted to with my two beautiful children.
Life had changed drastically for me, for all of us.
There were many days I would be literally living in the bathroom, alone, while their dad was at work and I was supposed to be taking care of them. Throwing up caused by severe pain and being feuded with anxiety I had to start forcing myself to eat and panic attacks became my daily routine.
My body began to give up on me at only 23 years old.
And after many attempts at holding up his amazing job, my husband had to let it go. After all, he is the leader of our pack and we all needed his full attention. And mom was weak. I couldn’t even take care of my kids every day, let alone be alone.
That period of time felt like every day i was living in hell.
Several unsuccessful procedures, treatments, surgery’s, and misdiagnosis’s went by and Jordan and I both knew that something was wrong with my body. And I became determined to figure it out, better yet, i was desperate.
Understanding Gods grace became a struggle
The problem was that no one was listening to my number one complaint. and they were too focused on judging me for having anxiety.
Adjusting to new schedules, new normal’s, and creating a routine that is subject to change any day, has been found to be not just physically but mentally exhausting as well. There are honestly times I can’t even believe that Jordan is still with me, and still loves me as much as he does.
Losing a steady and well paying job which sustained our family, to working for ourselves was a major change–let alone everything else.
Life didn’t really give us a choice. We learned quickly that when facing mountains too large to climb, there are two options; Either give up, or try.
Never in a million years did we think we would own a window cleaning business, but here we are 4 years later and it’s been progressing.
Sure, some months bring in no income even when we’re financially still putting out. And sure, we deal with the weight of everything on our own shoulders. Paying for insurance, free estimates we drove all over giving, and being sick everyday–so much stress.
The beginning of 2018 was a bit stressful to say the least.
After the birth of our third child, the pain in my back began to make my legs weak and my arms numb. We had just found out in February that I had a tumor in my spine. which we later on found out had been there the entire time.
Because of the small town we live in and the fact that both hospitals are owned by the same company, I couldn’t find a doctor to help me move forward in getting a diagnosis.
Disheartening is the best and nicest word I could think of to describe how I felt. Understanding grace at that point wasn’t just hard, it seemed impossible to accept.
Things like cleaning my house, holding my breastfeeding baby, and helping Jordan scrub off roofs have become a challenge for me. I needed answers as to why and I still wasn’t being listened to.
So Mayo was the only answer for us.
Our wedding date was still set for 7/22/18 and because of insurance reasons we thought would help, I had until my 26th birthday in August to get to the Mayo Clinic.
We still pushed through and most importantly we remained faithful in the plan
Jordan worked his butt off with our business, we called everywhere asking for fundraisers to be held, held our own, and prayed fervently for our prayers to be answered. I wanted to so bad have my wedding not be at a courthouse.
But I also wanted to get to the Mayo Clinic to get the answers I felt I deserved.
For months I had friends and family and people at the church asking us how the heck we were going to make both things happen. Telling us that we should hold off on the wedding, and others who said they didn’t even believe us. Our wedding was completely unpaid and we hadn’t even had a venue picked out. Plus, no part of our trip to mayo was even paid.
It was 4 weeks away from the wedding and all I had purchased were clearance items at Hobby Lobby, my kids outfits, and my wedding dress I Just so happened to score on Amazon for just $100. (Which hadn’t even arrived yet).
Stress was an understatement.
“For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him.” – Galatians 6:9
There is no other understanding other than grace winning.
There’s no other way that we would have succeeded in what we did without gods help. And without trusting him, it wouldn’t have gotten us here.
I have always believed in the power of prayer and I’ve never felt ashamed for asking for them; from anyone. Especially when in a place of desperation and all you have is hope in a miracle. In fact, when anyone would ask if they could help me I would just ask for them to pray. And clearly they did.
Understanding Gods grace and timing has continuously shown me how perfect his plan is for me.
I know being married was a definite part of that plan.
Within those 4 weeks we were able to lock down an amazing wedding venue just outside of Glacier International Park. What was supposed to be a hefty cost, just so happened to be half off the original price on our specific day! And the rest– My amazing husband was able to trade for his own services.
Just weeks prior to our wedding I met an amazing woman in the nursing room at church while we were both feeding our babies. We just so happened to talk about the wedding. Low and behold she was a photographer and ended up ended up explaining to me just how important pictures on your wedding day really are. So she asked for my number and gave me her business card.
Just before locking down the venue, she got a hold of me and told me she wanted to gift me wedding pictures! I literally cried in excitement! What a blessing and a miracle for me that she did what she did for us.
Pictures will never be taken for granted, ever.
On top of it, I had some pretty awesome friends who helped us provide the food and supplies we needed to feed 100!
And the ones who helped decorate, makeup & hair, and even the music! I will forever be thankful that it worked out.
My mom made my huckleberry filled wedding cake (it was to die for), and one of my great friends husbands stayed up the entire night before to smoke a ton of pulled pork. Everything came together perfectly thanks to the help and hearts of others. That was the best gift I could have ever asked for.
We didn’t get the honeymoon we hoped for or a night away from our kids; But the greatest news we received after the wedding was that our flight and hotel were paid for to get to the Mayo Clinic for all of us, so i didn’t have to go alone.
Not. Even. Kidding.
We didn’t have the funds to do anything extra while we were there, but just the fact that i was able to go and not be alone for 12 days figuring it all out was a blessing.
Understanding that Gods grace will always pull you through is essential to overcoming.
He is always listening and I know it for a fact. He’s proven it to me over and over again how much his hands are at work in every moment in my life.
And guys, were finally married!! Eeeeek!
I’m married to my best friend and together, we made it to the best and most expensive doctor in the country when it seemed almost next to impossible.
Now, we have the answers we need to move forward with our lives.
It feels good to know that my health doesn’t have to define me or my life. And had I not fought for answers, our lives could and would be so much different.. or I could be dead. Plus, I never would have found my passion for Mental Health Awareness and writing.
What I have learned the most from the experience is that:
- Only I know how I truly feel.
- Change is in my control.
- I get to determine my future
Knowing these things, i’ve been able to propel forward in so many aspects.
I am so thankful for what understanding grace continues to teach me.
Realizing that i hold the answers to what i truly want, and that they aren’t found in anyone or anything else has given me such a sense of relief. Staying true to myself has gotten me a lot further in life than not.
Loving where you are, understanding, and giving yourself grace is so important.
Just take. care of YOU. All else will fall into place.