My thoughts on the “Me Too” movement..

Well now that Christmas is over I feel like I can take the time and energy it takes into writing out a post like this one.

Ever since I started journaling about a month ago, I have been opening up different ports of memories in my mind that I have forced myself to forget for so long.

And so many of these things that I have been grieving recently has been changing me as a person. I would say for the better.. but easy?

No.

This has been really hard but also a life changing experience for me.

Abuse..

I always thought that word was for people who had black eyes every day or maybe even been tied up or something.

I thought abuse was a lot less common then it really is. Truth is, abuse is way too common these days. It’s not supposed to be like that. That’s not normal.

That’s not supposed to be your past and it shouldn’t have been. It shouldn’t happen to anyone.. sexually physically, emotionally… but it happened to you.
And the best thing you can do is move forward and take a lesson from it. It’s not fair, but life is never fair.

I have to tell myself these things..

because sometimes I get so caught up in the secrets that I have kept to myself for so long that I start to get really upset.. and that’s not fair to me or the people around me.

This is something I can control, and I do my best.

This is part of the reason why removing myself from pretty much everyone that has anything to do with my past has been really eye opening for me, healing is finally taking its place.

Growing up and being surrounded by so much negative will eventually take its toll on you.
I have literally fought my entire life for happiness and acceptance and I still do to this day. With my family especially.
I’m not going to be all “woe is me” but I just want to explain why I do really feel that way. —The word “family” to me hasn’t been a very happy or homey word..
Although its what I have pretended and it’s what I have always longed for it’s something I have never had.

Not having a “dad” and an emotionally available and stable mom has made it really hard for me to find myself and who I really am.

Being told everyday how ugly I am, how my existence is bothersome, I was always in the way ( even when doing something I was told to do), always being annoying- even when I’m sleeping.

(I can’t tell you how many times I have been kicked in the head while laying on the floor by my angry step dad because.. who knows.)

but having these things be told to me and never being reassured of the truth has hurt me. A lot of little details from my childhood have made me into the person that I am.

Some days I’m grateful for that. But other days I’m angry, sad, and most of all confused.
I don’t and won’t ever understand why I was treated the way I was and how no one around me ever did a thing about it.
When I think about who I was as a child and I try to take myself back to that “happiness” and innocence as a child that everyone talks about It reminds me that I was never happy, never really innocent either.
I was always so vulnerable and never truly had a voice for myself. Being quiet was my normal.. so awkwardly quiet sometimes.
Others continued to show me why i hated myself and the way I was and I didn’t understand it.
Its always been easy for me to be nice to people, even the really mean ones, and for that I am grateful for too.

I am fearful for my children and them growing up having the same feelings or thoughts as I did as a child.

Even though it’s unrealistic that they would, I can’t stop my racing thoughts and fears.

That alone haunts me every day.. I constantly re check myself and what I did or didn’t do or what I said or didn’t say to my kids, but in all actuality I am that way all the time.

With everyone. I am so scared to just be myself and to just be. Being “me” is a struggle everyday and I’m ready to let this struggle go.

Part of letting go is revealing my past and confronting it head on.

Most of all I have been in denial.

Denial of the fact that I have been mentally, sexually, and physically abused for a large portion of my life.

The abuse alone has been traumatic but it has been extremely exhausting hiding it all and pretending that my life has been normal.

So much of my childhood is still such a blur, and still coming back to me the more I have been writing about it, but i can’t think of a time when there was no abuse in my life.
There was always some sort of abuse taking over my life at one point or another.
My mom has always been a very hard worker which has been something that has always inspired me but has also been really hard on me too. She was gone and away. A lot.

She had my sister when she was young.

Being an 18 year old who was dealing with the loss of her dad was hard enough. As she was the oldest of three sisters so she had quite the load on her, and plus raising two small children, not to mention one being a newborn baby.

She still graduated high school and went onto college in which she acquired her associates degree in accounting right away. She always had a good job.

The problem is she worked so much, she relied on everyone and pretty much anyone to take care of my sister and I. (I really hate my sperm donor for never being there).
Don’t get me wrong, what she was doing for us during those times was amazing and how she managed to push through still inspires me to this day- she now has her masters in accounting and is finishing up state testing to become a C.P.A!

Super proud of my mom is an understatement.

I love that lady. And she has inspired me to do so much for myself including getting my associates degree as well.

She has always had a good job, but the problem with that when we were kids is that she worked so much.. like. All. The. Time.

We were always in someone else’s care. I was molested by my babysitter and next door neighbor who babysat me frequently.
There was no choice but for me to inhale cigarettes, be touched, fondled, and even sometimes to touch her.
 “pinky promises” were on the regular.

I would never tell otherwise I would suffer major consequences. At the time I was pretty terrified of this lady and her entire family-

and her brother had recently died from being pushed out the door onto a concrete slab.. I was literally terrified because I was molested by an older boy at my daycare that I basically lived at the entire time I was in elementary school.

( Its still hard to remember his name for sure- probably for good reasons).

My step father, I was also extremely terrified of him for many, many other reasons very similar. Although never succeeded, he has attempted to hurt me in this way more times then I can count.

On top of emotionally breaking me down for his own satisfaction.

He has been in the picture since I was 6 months old, and there was rarely a time where she was home and he wasn’t.

I wasn’t allowed to talk to her alone, ever. So these things have always just been kept inside my mind along with other things and I have gotten so used to keeping it in that so much has been forgotten.

Growing up in a “shame based” family has really made it hard for me to have real relationships. I have suffered tremendously by not having loyal people in my life.
Family and friends.

It has taught me so much about what I thought every family was like.. full of hurt, anger, fear. It wasn’t just at home.

You must think I must have had an aunt, uncle, grandma heck maybe a grandpa, who was there to show me what I needed to be shown.. and it’s sad for me to say but I didn’t.

And growing up in a daycare, and basically alone at home, I never knew love, safety, and contentment. From anyone.

My mother was all I had but she worked.. a lot. I wasn’t able to participate in sports or have any hobbies because I had no one to support me or get me to and from.
Then as a very young girl, 12 to be exact ( almost 13), I met and thought that I fell in love with my first real boyfriend who was just about to turn 20 years old at the time.
Who I then was with until I was 18.. oh boy did I think I had it all figured out being with someone so much older than me.

I looked up to him so I listened to every word this man said and took it seriously. And it damaged me severely.

I thought for sure I would marry that man and to do so he made it very clear I was to get a nose job and a boob job.. My hair?

He only liked it straight.. which was extremely hard for me to attain having extremely curly hair.

Those were just a few of the really mean things he would remind me of daily.

I never really realized that he was hurting me, I thought he was right and I believed him. He was an emotional person himself and he also told me that I was the number one thing that made him happy and that he would kill himself If he never had me again.

It’s no wonder why I was always so anxious even being with him.

I always wondered what was wrong with me or what I did or said that was wrong that I could have done differently because no matter what I did or where I was, I definitely didn’t belong.

And I knew that and I have always been ok with that- for whatever reason.

I have just been searching for my way, making mistakes like we all do and learning from them daily.

We do the best we can and that HAS to be good enough.

Thinking back on all of this makes me realize: I am so thankful for the opportunity that I had to take myself to church as a young girl because the church was on my way home from walking to and from school, i went there a lot.

I have always found so much peace and comfort in a church and surrounded by people who love Jesus as much as I always have.

The relationship I have with him has been so special to me and something I have clung onto. Even through all of the hurt in my life, he has always spoken to me.

My goal has always been to listen.

At times when I don’t I notice my wheels getting off track.

Having this steadfast hope in my life has given me the ability to seek out the greater paths in life and to constantly want more for myself, and better.

I am thankful. So thankful, for Jesus. And no one can ever take that away from me.
My relationship with him is something I cherish but is also something I too struggle with. I struggle to accept the truths.

I’m still learning though and still growing.

Slowly, but surely. -If you don’t know me, one thing you will learn about me is that I love you regardless of your own relationship with jesus.

I am with no certain religion ( I don’t and won’t judge if you are) and refuse to live my life a certain way other than what I think are good morals and values, such as the Ten Commandments.-

Anyways, I had no idea what a real relationship let alone a true friendship was supposed to really be like.
Just about every person I had let closely in my life before I met my fiancé has ended up stabbing me in the back.

Those expectations have really effected me and the relationships that I have made.

Its hard becoming too close to people, and I know I can’t be the only one.

It’s hard to be comfortable with yourself enough to share the things about yourself that you don’t necessarily even want to hear yourself say.

No one needs that kind of negativity in their life! Am I not right??

It’s hard to find others to accept you when you don’t accept yourself.

I am thankful to have found my person, my other half, who even after hearing me tell him so many things and leaning on him for so much he still accepts me and loves me 100% whole heartedly.
God always has us right where he needs us. He needs us in those hard times to appreciate the good times.

Life is a lesson and everything is a learning experience no matter what way you look at it.

Although—There is a difference between having a choice in the experience and not having a choice.

And it’s extremely important to understand the difference.

For instance, my oldest child who is almost 6 years old.

I’m trying to teach him to be accountable for his things and part of that lesson is him forgetting his gloves at home in the morning even though I set them out for him
I even helped him put them on before he headed out the door with dad.. he still managed to forget them.

Blows my mind.

Crappy thing is that he isn’t allowed to play outside without his gloves at school, and I feel really bad about that.

But that is teaching him the consequences of his actions.

The action he took was to not be accountable for his own gloves.

I could have dropped everything I was doing and taken his gloves to him when I realized they were sitting at home, but i had to ask myself how much good that would have done.

He unfortunately had to learn the hard way.

Let me tell you though, he’s been extremely accountable lately. A lot more then before, that’s for sure!

I want myself and for you to know that we are not alone.

Its painful to explain yourself in so many different situations and knowing you will be misunderstood if you do.
Because it feels like absolutely no one gets it, you don’t even get it.
But you, yes you, and me..

It’s best if we are honest with ourselves and the people that are closest to us

and to not be afraid to say what you want but also remember to mean what you say, too

Our words can’t ever be taken back.

It’s OK to have the feelings you have and you deserve to have them heard out.
You are you for a reason
your situations you have been through have made you unique to your own society.

Contribute how you can, and grow where you grow best.

Just remember, you got this.