To say there is a lot to know about me would be an understatement.
There is so much about myself and my life that i have refused to admit or let alone even acknowledge, including anxiety.
Its time to get real.
But here i am, starting this blog and figuring myself out while including you guys on the journey all in hopes to bring ultimate peace for myself by being honest and open.
What would be ideal for me and what i really want in life, honesty in everything and everyone. Although that's completely unrealistic, the best thing i can do and a great place to start is with myself.
I would say one of the biggest things that defines me and the thing that i have struggled with the most in my identity since i was a young girl is that i don't know affection.
Without a mother to give it to me, because it is something she has struggled with herself.. i still love you momma.. and without a father.. i have never really known that unconditional feeling of love.
Especially a fathers love.. every girl craves that right?
The hardest part for me to accept that is that i have had two different men in my life that have had the opportunity to give that love to me and neither of them have ever wanted to.
Still at 25 years old i find myself trying to figure out why?
Why did my biological dad not want anything to do with, or why did he never try?
Even as a baby, as a toddler, and growing up into a young girl.
There were a lot of times he was in prison, but there were also a lot of times that he wasn't.
He has always lived in the same town as me, we breathe the same air on a daily basis, in the same valley.
As a parent myself, i struggle to make any sense of it to this day.
Especially having not only two sons, but also a daughter of my own now.
I see her thirst for love and affection on a daily basis and my gosh i would not want to go a second or even imagine her going on without that.
Same thing with my boys.. It hurts me too much to let alone just think about that.
Having a step dad wasn't really what i had hoped for either.
My mom was honest with me about who my real dad was and why he wasn't around, without mentioning how big of a piece of crap he was.. kudos to you, mom!
One thing i wish she would have told me thought is that her boyfriend and someday husband wasn't and never would be my dad.
Because i fought hard for that, and that has hurt me just as much, if not more.
Maybe its because she didn't see it herself or maybe its because she didn't want to admit it or even accept the truth to it.
Being surrounded by so much evil constantly, you kind of start to forget about whats best for you in that moment and you learn how to thrive on what you have in that time.
You see, that is exactly how i have been so used to living my whole life... in the moment... and very fearful of the future: whatever was to come. Anxiety is good at keeping you in fear.
What an awful way to live, right?
Some of you may disagree. But for me, being "in the moment" is such a "temporary" place to live.
I don't know about you, but lately i have been taking life a lot more seriously, and temporary is just not good enough for me anymore.
It's now all about long term. long term goals, relationships, financial freedom, a "long term" life really.
In script it says that our physical bodies are temporary, but our souls are forever.
I am going to talk about the health of our soul for a minute as it is just as important as your health in your body.
Your soul is like the blueprint for your body.
It's what makes you who you truly are as a person.
Taking care of your soul is just as vital for you as taking care of your heart, and i wish i would have realized that years ago.
But i am thankful for everywhere i have been because it has all brought me to this point of now realizing just how important your soul really is.
Now i can use the tools that i have created and am still creating for myself to overcome, to help my children and to in turn hopefully help others.
Being in this state of mind has really opened up my memory of being a child.
If you would have asked me a year ago what i was like when i was a child or asked me what i did for fun, i honest to god did no have an answer for you because i really did not remember.
I really had no recollection of my childhood besides the fact that i was a mommy's girl.
That and i was scared to death of my step dad.
Now that i have been remembering all of the little details in between those things, i have realized that life for me has never been happy.
I was never "happy" as a child.
Although those who have known me throughout times would probably tell you that i was happy.
Anxiety has been with me 24/7, 365 since i can remember.
I hid every bit of my sadness with happiness by hanging onto the hope of a new tomorrow, of meeting a new person, of making a new friendship, of having a loyal and loving family.
So when i think of what has gotten me by .. why i have always hidden everything so well?
And not only just hiding things but literally forcing myself to forget so many things.
It wasn't healthy and i learned that the hard way.
I have been battling myself and my inner demons so hard that over the past 4 years my body could not keep up anymore, and i was literally dying.
My body went into panic mode; pure anxiety.
I was told that after being hospitalized over 10 times and having been to the ER literally on a daily basis for months to months on end, that according to the specialists, i had Gastroparesis.
This means that my stomach and my intestines were paralyzed and that my body could no longer digest food.
It took years for them to figure this out too.. so many tests, scans, procedures, and unnecessary "treatments" all to lead me to this devastating conclusion.
I have denied the fact that i have this disease although the doctors have it in my medical charts that this is what i have, i believe its not.
A long with my memories i also remember the fact that i have not always been a morning person ever since i was a kid, i have DREADED mornings.
The main reason why is because my stomach always hurts first thing in the morning
and i would always throw up to start my day.. i always associated it with a milk allergy from eating cereal so i stopped doing that and i realized it was still happening.
Guys, i cant believe it has taken me this long to realize what has been wrong the entire time.
It was my anxiety finally taking its dive into panic pool.
Anxiety is something i have always been comfortable with so i never really thought twice about it, but this was 1000000 times worse.
I knew something had to be really really wrong with me and i searched so long for an answer that even the professionals couldn't give me.
These past 4 years i have experienced some very, very scary panic attacks.
My body was literally trying to explode at the seams all the while my mind has felt completely sane.
I have literally smelt death it has been so close to me because of anxiety.
Its the hardest thing to explain.. i will touch more on that subject another day, on another post.
But all i am trying to say right now is that through this all i have learned that you should always always listen to yourself and your body.
Mind, body, and soul.
They all go together like gas and oil in an engine. One cannot go without the other. And if it does, it wont last forever, if long at all.
If you are struggling today, whatever it is.. try to remind yourself to do a soul check.
That is what i have been doing lately and it has been so life changing.
I feel like i am finally becoming the person that god has always created me to be.
I have always wondered who that girl was staring back at me and now i can smile when i see myself because i am finally starting to figure her out.
— It’s about to get real, real quick.