Disappointments & Big Dreams
Life has been full of big dreams i have made for myself since i was a child. Loving comes natural for me and disappointments are always just that..
Love is the absence of judgement.
I have always had big dreams to do be a successful business woman, an amazing mom and wife, and a positive influence.
Like many others, i struggle with many things on my own, and i thankfully have learned and accepted the importance of letting go and i will never stop searching for the things i want.
Turning disappointment into opportunity has been crucial.
Helping others and people pleasing has always been where I found my gratification.
I truly believe I was meant to help others.
My weakness is, and I don’t like to admit this.. but something I have let hold me back for so long is that I am an extremely emotional person and I totally hide away from it.
It wasn’t really until I admitted that to myself that I started to understand myself better.
Part of me feels that because I was forced to be quiet so much as a child I learned to just sit back and observe things.
I would look at peoples eyes and what they would look at, the body language they have and how it matches how they are acting.
I realized how quickly one can be judged the minute they do speak up
and I was also so afraid of judgment so I learned to be quiet about A LOT, but also extremely intuitive and vigilant.. some may call it and as my therapist calls it:
With where I am at mentally now I feel that just maybe the experiences of dealing with a very abusive step dad was what I needed to gain the strength to be where I am at today.
I think it’s always been there I was just so blinded by being accepted by everyone else.
It’s not like anyone ever had an idea of how bad it really was at home for me, my sister, and my mom.
Abusers are good about choosing when to abuse you and who to abuse you around.
It happened for so long that it just felt normal for us to constantly make him happy and portray him to be someone he wasn’t to everyone else;
he always got why he wanted one way or another. another disappointment.
That’s what living with an abuser is like.
Those demons that stayed with me through all of that won in my every morning thoughts.
They constantly told me how horrible my day would be, how no one loved me, and how I didn’t have much worth in the world.
Confusion was constant with what I was really doing with my life.
My inner self always wanted much more so it was easy for me to take those steps in what looked to others like I was bettering myself,
but deep inside I was always falling apart.
Thankfully I can take what I learned from that and I, myself judge people on their actions and the way they treat me and others, rather than just taking their word for what they say and I use it for what I think is good by staying away.
I have learned that there is always someone else out there who will appreciate you for who you are.
My intuition has spoke volumes into my life since I can remember and I feel like not having an outlet to act on before was also because I was so afraid to say what I felt like I needed to say, especially when I needed to say it.
I wasn’t allowed to ever speak my mind or say how I felt in any manner.
When i was the same age as my daughter is now, just preschool age and my step dad had convinced me that I had Down syndrome.
I had to just listen to him beat me down.
Crying wasn’t allowed, because that was just too damn annoying for him to deal with too. He was hell bent on beating me down mentally.
I 100% believed that I had something wrong with me because I didn’t know any different.
Living in a small town with not a ton of adversity in it I was a severely close minded little girl.
It wasn’t until I grew up to the age of almost middle school when I first met someone who actually did have Down syndrome.
At that age I was convinced that the world was against me and i didn’t fully understand what made me so different from everyone because I couldn’t see any difference when I looked in the mirror besides who I still see today.
Confidence was something i craved while confidence was beating me at home, and everywhere else around me.
When you keep going through hard stuff, hard stuff just becomes easier to deal with.
Part of learning who I was was going through an abusive 5 year relationship with a man that was 7 years older than me when I was 13, too.
He never allowed me to be a teenager and he wanted me to grow up so much faster than I was truly ready for.
By coincidence, i never had the courage to speak much about our relationship until he passed away a year ago.
Fast forward and I have grown up a lot and I have learned a lot more than I knew before.
I can honestly say that I have learned the most about myself through every experience I have been through.
My intentions when starting my blog was to share was had been trapped in my heart for so long
and writing in a journal to myself and only myself wasn’t an option for me.
Some may not understand it, but I still felt that my voice was going to be unheard.
I had been through so much at the time with my health and fighting for my diagnosis a year ago that i wanted to truly be heard.
When I had told my therapist that I planned on blogging he had told me to be careful in what I share because the judgment out in the world can be so harsh and he didn’t want me to become hurt from it all.
I have a love/ hate relationship with the word judgment because it gets used out of context so much.
I believe good judgment is good to have while bad judgement is just that.. bad.
And something we should most of the time keep to ourselves unless it’s something we can speak from experience.
The truth though for real is that I just wanted to share my story
and I wanted people to start understanding me for me so I didn’t have to pretend to be someone I wasn’t anymore.
I was at such a bad place mentally and physically and for me, sharing my story was necessary for me to grow and ironically what freed me from so much.
Some people just can’t handle real.. because they aren’t really real with themselves.
Not going to sit and lie here, but words still hurt no matter what.
Even the ones that only you can see.
You can be the mentally strongest person in the world but when you are faced with so much opposition and doubt I’m sure there is a small percent of doubt on yourself.
At least at some point there will be anyways. Nothing about the world has changed and if at all it has gotten worse.
Your goal is or should be to keep going no matter how much adversity you face.
It’s all about how you deal with it and how you teach yourself to move forward.
A. Let it define you
B. Let it destroy you.
Ultimately the choice is in our own hands.
That’s why I think it’s so important to be a positive person but also to be real with your emotions, with yourself, and with the people you surround yourself with.
We have to quit letting other people’s opinions have control over what moves we are making in our life.
I can’t express it enough how important it is to confront your emotions. Don’t be afraid of them.
It is so unhealthy to carry negative thoughts and emotions with you
because most of the times it’s the negative feelings your holding onto and we can literally start to become physically ill because of this.
Part of that statement coming from myself makes me wonder if that’s why I have always woke up nauseous
ever since I can remember.
Being a mama now, I stress about so many things and I am so much more protective than I ever thought I would be.
I don’t ever want my children to live through what I have
and so many people may think that kids need to learn on their own to figure things like that out.
I do believe that to an extent, but I also believe it’s my job to still share with them what I know to help them the best I can.
Kids are smart and what happens if they actually listen?
They will grow a lot further a lot quicker, and in my opinion that’s successful parenting.
We need to be real.. even with our kids.
There are SO many good people in this world, but not all of them will be for you.
You will find your people though, I promise your not alone.
I think the way God intended us to love was to love all by accepting all, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to be “closely in love” with them all
like we all feel like we need to be.
Forgive those who have hurt us and love them from a distance.
You can love from a distance.
There is so much grace in that itself.
Remember Jesus only had 12 disciplines in which 9 had turned their backs on him.
Out of everyone else there were only 3 solid people that Jesus could count on and that he fully trusted.
This specific story is meant to tell me something and that something in my opinion is to..
keep your circle small.
It makes an entire world of difference when you have someone else- whether it be just a friend or a maybe a family member that understands you;
sometimes beyond what you understand about yourself.
Thank god I have Jordan because I may make a lot of mistakes.
I’m definitely not the girl with a million followers and I know me changing has lost me a ton of friends, but I can say that I finally have a full heart.
and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be where I am at without him.
Despite my recent health upbringings, my life is pretty darn perfect when it comes to what I have always truly wanted.
Maybe that’s what it took for me to find my passion and how I wanted to help others.
Maybe it was just because I needed someone to listen to me, and to believe in me so much that I finally started to believe in myself.
I think everyone’s walk in life can have an impact on the world
and that’s part of the reason why shows on TLC and reality shows are so popular.
Society craves authenticity but yet so many that crave it are running away from it.
What if we all started to believe in ourselves just a little bit more everyday?
I believe others out there are stronger than me,
and maybe don’t need that validation from someone else the way I do.
Either way, we should all be searching for something to give us belief in ourselves even if it’s just as simply as telling your story
or looking at yourself in the mirror and saying
” i can do this”.
Trusting and believing in yourself is one of the biggest secrets to overcoming anything.
You have to start somewhere.
You have to believe in you.
Once you do, negativity won’t stand a chance in ruining whatever your plan is.
Find what sets your soul on fire, and just go for it!