Forgive But Never Forget
To forget is so much harder than to forgive.
Although I am proud of the level in my ability to forgive, i never do forget.
Because forgetting is something that has hurt me; and I have a very hard time doing.
Through all of the bad situations I have been in and not having much support along the way, I have had the hardest time in trusting other people. Being independent and keeping to myself has been the result.
Honestly though, I really really hate being alone.
It wasn’t until recently when my pastor at my church started speaking about being the “like-able” person in your friends and families life instead of the one whose always negative. Keep in mind, the title of the series is “stressed out”. Hello.
At first I thought, “ah, well I’m good there. I’ve been a pretty positive person”. but truthfully, the more it’s been weighing on me it’s got me thinking about how others might really perceive the way I am. Why I’m so stressed all the time, And maybe why it’s so hard for me to get out of this mindset.
Being negative is not a way I ever want to be remembered, ever. That’s one thing I need to make clear. I can’t help but be a realistic person in every situation because reality is what gets me through.
But I also feel like there is so much good in this world that gets jaded out, mostly being the truth because we’d rather choose to forget.
Problem is that the truth always sets us off in the wrong ways leaving us to believe something that isn’t true and never was.
The truth hurts us and it exposes us of the things we don’t want to hear or accept. In the beginning. It makes us uncomfortable. In the beginning.
So we run from it. And running from it we end up hurting ourselves tremendously in the process. We run from something that’s begging to set us free, and it makes no sense.
In my most recent post talking about finding the joy in the holiday season, I also wrote about how giving yourself to others can have a negative effect on you so it’s important to take care of yourself and to be the person that god made you to be.
The raw truth is that most of us who are actually trying to better themselves, are doing so for themselves. At least that’s how it should be.
Everyone is living for themselves whether we want to admit it or not.
It’s not selfish.
the things we do every day and the habits we create are based off of things that make us happy and that fill a void within ourselves.
We don’t drink water and eat our food to make someone else feel better, we do it for our own body.
Just like when we give. We give because it feels good, we build community because it feels good, we take part in the things we want to; because we want the end result.
Whether or not we agree with what others are doing, the best thing we can do is to just live for our self too. That means doing the things that make you happy.
There’s nothing else you “should” be and there’s nothing else that will make the journey of self growth happen, other than you.
It takes courage to live your life for the things that YOU want and not to live a life that someone else wants you to have.
Being happy is something god wants for us all. But he also wants us to treat each other with kindness and respect.
And sometimes the best way we can communicate that is by staying away from those who have hurt us and continue to hurt us. There is nothing wrong with letting go of things without proving yourself right.
I feel like when I’m living my life for Jesus is when I am the happiest.
When I put him first every single day it makes me happy and when I pray and I go to church I’m happy. When I go out with friends and I get a break from my kids– I’m happy. I am happy when i forgive and i want to be even happier to forget.
And when I’m the happiest me, I am able to embrace the parts of me that he wants to bring to light.
It can be found in different places for everyone, but for me it has been found in building brand new relationships and owning my truth.
This also has meant putting negative relationships that have drained me, behind me. One thing I can tell you for sure is that it makes it so much easier to own who you are and your own “truth”.
I will not forget the harmful things that have happened; instead i will remember them and learn from them. For the bad can always be made to good.
the truth is that I will not accept people to walk all over me.
I am an honest woman and I expect others to be honest with me in return.
I’m also a major empath and I unintentionally vibe with other people’s energy even when I don’t want to.
So my truth is also that I will surround myself with positivity as much as I can, and where ever I can. Even if that means shutting down social media for a day or not watching the Today show for one morning. Or ridding myself completely of something that’s not helping me grow.
I know that I’m a good person and I know that makes A LOT mistakes, I mean a lot of them. I have spent too much time caring about what other people think who wouldn’t even turn their cheek for me. And its done nothing but hurt me, really bad.
I’d forgive as an automatic response to my people pleasing ways but i never do forget.
After time, you learn that you can still be a good person; and you CAN and deserve to move on from bad relationships.
Don’t get that twisted. The power in saying “yes” and “no” with the right intentions is so absolutely freeing.
Years of my life was spent fanning other people’s flames while mine was burnt out the entire time. The result was broken relationship after broken relationship leaving myself feeling like I was the problem.
I mean, I am some of the problem and I’m willing to admit that. But I’m not willing to ever apologize for expressing my feelings. Our feelings are there for a reason.
I’m just now accepting that my circle will most likely always be small. And that’s OK. Jesus had 12 disciples y’all. And he was really only close to 3 of them. That speaks volumes to me.
Letting go of “toxic comfort” and facing the truth is extremely uncomfortable.
But I am working on that and trusting other people and the good things they bring into my life. And that other people’s love comes with no expectations.
Talk about hard. That’s my life, people. I’m in a constant battle with myself that no one else sees.
I don’t believe that all people are bad.
Aside from the bad, the honest to God truth is that there is SO much good in this world. There are good people everywhere, and I know it for a fact because I witness it myself. And because gods hands are literally everywhere.
I have faith that the good lord above has got me, and with him I know that I’m solid. I trust him. And thank god he sent me my husband Jordan, because he gets me. And I trust him too.
But others, I’m still working on it.
I’m learning to truly trust this process I have been in the middle of this past year.
Self growth and healing is intense. (in case any of you were wondering.)
I think it’s good to be vigilant to your surroundings at all time, and I think I always will be.
I will undoubtedly admit that right now i have been letting that hyper vigilance hold me back from building any new friendships. And opening myself up to others the way I have wanted to, being truly authentic. So sharing this publicly is a huge start for me.
There is power and strength gained when you learn to forgive and forget.
Thankfully there is a great reward in owning your truth and I feel that no one should feel bad about it, either.
Not everyone will like me and I won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, and vice verse.
It’s truly OK.
What people that don’t like me have to say doesn’t and shouldn’t matter to me and I’m truly trying to live my life in that way.
What I have to offer this world IS for someone, and being true to myself will get me there.
You can’t create dreams off of false hopes because false hopes come from not knowing who you truly are. And not knowing who you are ends with owning your truth to live and create your dreams.
I just have to do it because no one else is going to do it for me. Same goes for you, sis.
You and i deserve happiness just as much as anyone else does and i know know that your pain can be used for a purpose.
The hard work now will be worth it in the long run. Such a simple statement that holds so much power, forgive but never forget.
Keep running, keep going. You got this.❤️