Faith Gives Me Purpose & My Life Meaning
The things that I have been grieving recently have been changing me as a person. I would say for the better.. but easy? No.
It’s been really hard but also a life changing experience for me.
I thought abuse was a lot less common then it really is. Truth is, abuse is way too common these days. It shouldn’t be that way.
It shouldn’t happen to anyone.. sexually physically, emotionally… but it happened. & it happened to you.
The best thing you can do is move forward and take a lesson from it.
This is part of the reason why removing myself from pretty much everyone that has anything to do with my past has been really eye opening for me.
Healing is finally taking its place.
Growing up and being surrounded by so much negative will eventually take its toll on you.
I have literally fought my entire life for happiness and acceptance and I still do to this day.
And having these bad things be told to me and never being reassured of the truth has really hurt me. A lot of little details from my childhood have made me into the person that I am.
Some days I’m grateful for that. But other days I’m angry, sad, and most of all confused.
I don’t and won’t ever understand why I was treated the way I was and how no one around me ever did a thing about it.
When I think about who I was as a child and I try to take myself back to that “happiness” and innocence as a child that everyone talks about It reminds me that I was never happy, and never really innocent either.
I was always so vulnerable and never truly had a voice for myself. As a mother I’ve become fearful for my own children even though i know im protecting them from these things. I can’t stop my racing thoughts and fears.
Just my thoughts alone are hard enough to live with sometimes. I find myself constantly questioning myself and what I did or didn’t do.
Some days it’s so hard to just be myself and to just be. Being “me” can be a struggle everyday and faith gives me the ability to let that struggle go.
Part of letting it go is revealing my past and confronting it head on.
I’ve been in denial for too long. Denial of the fact that I have been mentally, sexually, and physically abused for a large portion of my life.
The abuse alone has been traumatic but it has been extremely exhausting hiding it all and pretending that my life has been normal.
Growing up in a “shame based” family has really made it hard for me to build lasting relationships.
I’ve gotten used to questioning myself and the decisions i made because i felt like no matter what I did or where I was, I didn’t belong.
& i know that’s exactly how my enemy wants me to feel.
But faith gives & lets me know that i’m enough anyways.
Thinking back on all of this makes me realize how grateful i am for the opportunities that presented themselves. I had to take myself to church as a young girl because the church was on my way home from walking to and from school, so i went there a lot.
I have always found so much peace and comfort in a church and surrounded by people who love Jesus as much as I always have.
The relationship I have with him & the faith he gives has been so special to me and something I have clung onto. Even through all of the hurt in my life, he has always spoken to me. & my goal continues to listen.
Having this steadfast hope in my life has given me the ability to seek out the greater paths and to constantly want more for myself, and better.
I am thankful. So thankful, for Jesus & the faith he gives to me. And no one can ever take that away from me.
My relationship with him is something I cherish but is also something I too struggle with. I struggle to accept the truths sometimes, too.
I’m still learning and still growing.
It’s best if we are honest with ourselves and the people that are closest to us & to not be afraid to say & do the things you need to do in order to grow.
It’s OK to have the feelings you have and you deserve to have them heard out.
You are here for a reason & your situations you have been through have made you unique.
Trusting and having faith isn’t always the easy thing to do but it is always the right thing.
Friend, i am with you. Your life has purpose. Keep going.