Depression & Suicide: Up Close & Personal

It’s been a little bit since I have had the time to actually sit down and write what has been on my mind.

Particularly about depression and suicide.

Right now we are planning our wedding for next month and also planning my trip to the Mayo Clinic next week for the tumor in my spine.

Thank the good lord for my soon to be husband who takes exceptional care of me and our 3 children because without him.

I’m not sure I’d be able to do any of this at all.

Mad props to you Mama Bloggers who can do it all!

Today, like everyday, I was watching the Today show and they were talking about the most recent suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade.

They were saying that talking about these types of things openly is kind of like adding fuel to the fire in a sense, for others (especially fans) to follow in their footsteps.

In my own experience I can understand why others would think and feel that way, but I do have to disagree and now I strongly felt the need to talk about it.

The controversy with it is; should we be talking about it, and should depression and suicide be exploited like it has?
Is it causing others to do the same, or is it helping others to talk about their own problems themselves?

Sometimes people may have the tendency to take what I or others are saying personal

Especially regarding the subject of depression, suicide and even death.

Being a new subject that many others refuse to talk about and have refused to talk about in the past, I can understand how my words may be taken the wrong way to some.

If they have, I truly apologize.

Maybe they don’t understand that i really do understand or maybe it’s because they are going through bouts of depression themselves and it may be 100% different for them.

I actually think it is, and no two of us are identically the same.

But the best we can do at this point is we can try to understand each other without any judgement.

There’s something healing and therapeutic just by knowing you aren’t alone and knowing you don’t have to hide them anymore.

It’s also important to know the different signs and symptoms there are aside from the generic ABC lists that most doctors abide by.

Anyways, the topic of suicide and depression have been on my mind for weeks now.

I would say even before I wrote my blog post about Logan Paul, and that whole ordeal I have been wanting to write about a few things pertaining to it.

Depression is one of the realest most misunderstood feelings and although it’s a hard pill to swollen, I’m happy to see more of our idols and people who have more of a voice in this world are talking about it themselves.

Depression is SO real.

That’s been one of the biggest problems for those of us who have dealt with depression, and don’t feel like they have a place to talk about it.

You never want to portray yourself as that negative person right?

You don’t want to have that used against you or to be treated differently right? Maybe you don’t understand why you even feel the way you do. I understand that completely.. and I’m sure many others do as well.

Which is why I feel that no one has ever talked about it until more recently.

It’s more than just feeling sorry for yourself, or being “butt hurt”as people like to joke about.

It’s a real feeling and it can get extremely overwhelming at times.

I had some dark times as a child, and you can’t just erase things and move on from those things as quickly as you would like.

And undoubtedly so, when everything is hid for so long and suppressed, it can end in suicide.

Talking about it was something i never wanted to do, but when I was just 16 years old, I was homeless and I lived in my car, I worked a full time job,

and I went to school full time.

I was SEVERELY depressed during those times.

My life was well, at least it seemed that way to others.

Truthfully i was sleeping in my car or in my at the time boyfriends car ( because he was homeless too).

Life was dark for me during those times and I spent days upon days sobbing in the seat at my wheel wondering what I had done wrong in my childhood to be in the place that I was.

It’s hard being alone during times like those and being afraid to even talk about it with anyone.

Escaping was the only thing on my to do list.

It was so miserable trying to get my friends who were all living different lives, to understand where I was coming from and to love me where I was at.

I know they must of thought I was full of problems, always going through downs in life.. But they were ones I had no control over..

and I know now that they couldn’t see that.

During those times it felt like no one cared about me and it made me wonder why I cared so much,

so for a moment in time I didn’t want to be alive anymore.

Not fighting for stability anymore seemed like an easy way out.

That’s the evil voice that comes with depression.

It wasn’t until I was driving down the two lane highway in my old Chevy Blazer on a rainy, mucky day in May

and I fought a hard battle with myself on wanting to hit a semi truck head on that I realized that I needed to do something about it.

Many people don’t believe in the voice of god, and that’s totally ok.

But for the first real time I heard him not just talking to me, but screaming at me.

It took everything I had to not turn my wheel to the left just a little bit as I passed that logging truck going 80 MPH. I could have ended it all so quickly, but that voice saved me, but

Reality hit and i instantly took myself to the E.R.

Calling the few people I was close to at the time and begged for someone to go with me was my only resort,

I ended up going alone.

Scary was and understatement, and i was so ashamed of what I was about to tell the Dr. but I wanted help, and I wanted to be happy SO bad.

I truly think we all want to be happy.

At the time I was young and desperate to try anything that would make those feelings go away so my Dr started me out on an antidepressant called Zoloft.

He told me it could take a couple of months to get used to, but within the first week I felt almost 90% worse then I did before.

I didn’t want to go through 2 months of that only to then be 100% dependent on it.

So, I stopped and we tried Celexa, and same thing. I felt worse, I felt groggy and I felt like I really had not mental stability.

Then we tried Wellbutrin, and I felt delirious.

It was then i realized real quick that medication was not for me and have gone against what the doctor have all felt and I have dealt with it on my own ever since.

I am now a firm believer in all natural therapy

and shortly after finding the right “all naturalist” for me, I realized how deficient I was in magnesium, iron, calcium and vitamin D

It made a major difference once I filled them up again.

Just taking vitamins that you are depleted in can help tremendously.

On top of yoga and stretching every day and of course staying hydrated, it can make it hard for your body to feel as unhappy as you feel mentally.

And that’s breaking a barrier in itself!

I have said it before and I will say it again, mind body and soul need each other so much to survive.

You have to maintain all three in my own personal experience.

Depression is different for all of us.

The effects of it and suicide are more real then ever and we as humans need to be doing what we can to help each other.

Talking about your struggles and being the authentic you that you are can bring out such a light or sense of understanding in others that you may not notice right away,

but it can save someone’s life.

Talk about your experience with others that feel the same.

Just maybe it’s the therapy you tried and didn’t work for you and just because you talked about it

it made someone else try it for themselves. And maybe it changes their life.

Some people live off of inspiration from others.

That’s how it was for me anyways!

You just never know anymore.. and I’m tired of living in the never’s, no’s, and never gonna happens.

We deserve to be happy y’all! Regardless of our circumstances.

It absolutely breaks my heart about the most recent suicides we have seen on the news over the past few weeks not to mention months

those are just a few of the famous people we all know about and hear of on the mainstream media and news.

That’s not even a small fraction of the people worldwide who are dealing with it, too.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, Suicide claims more lives than war, murder, and natural disasters combined.

That is astonishing and I feel that there is more that can be done about this.

Its disheartening that there is such a stigma against mental health illness like there is still;

because for some many it only silences the depressed even more. And we all have seen what it does to those of us who hide it.

Remember Robin Williams? Some of us are still in shock.. I know I am.

Suicide was the second leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 10 and 34 years in the United States.

I am happy to see that there are those that are finally speaking up, and talking about their mental health struggles

instead of hiding them in fear of being shamed.

I think it’s important to share our experiences and to support one another.

Depression is among the most treatable of psychiatric illnesses. Between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression respond positively to treatment, and almost all patients gain some relief from their symptoms. But first, depression has to be recognized.

-American Foundation of Suicide Prevention

Depression can have its hold on any one of us.

It could be your neighbor, it could be your own mother, the pastor at your church,

and you would never even know it.

Some of us are extremely well at hiding it when we feel we need to, but we also need to know and understand that it’s not healthy, and that we most definitely are not alone.

I felt alone for far too long, it’s such a freeing feeling to know your not anymore..

We shouldn’t feel bad for who we are, we don’t want to feel this way, and we all want happiness.

Life would me much more beautiful if we could all just accept one another without judgment

and love each other for who we are and where we are no matter where we are at in life.

Life is full of inconsistencies, the best consistency we can create for ourselves and others is love and understanding.

Go live your best life.
Love your neighbors for who they are ( even on their crabby days), forgive your enemies, and love yourself.

Focus on not judging others when they are different from us and instead understanding where they are at.

Don’t be ashamed of who you are and definitely don’t hide it.

Love, love, and LOVE.

The world needs more of it, and the world needs more of YOU.

-Mama in Grace

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