Faith Over Fear. Which One Do You Choose?

The past 4 years have been one hell of a roller coaster for me.

I know I have been talking about this a lot; but, I never realized the amount faith that I actually hang onto and at the same time just how quickly that faith can go away and turn into fear.

Yesterday I found out some pretty upsetting news. I had a feeling years ago that something was really wrong with the pain I was having but i had been convinced I was fine. Even though I knew it, I was basically told to not listen to myself.. and I listened. I found out that in the end of it all that I was right.

Some of my biggest fears are in front of me.

Yesterday I had a break down. For being so positive recently, I for some reason could only think about all of the most negative things.

It’s crazy how life seems to work that way. My life boat gets to smooth sailing for awhile and then something negative always seems to get in the way.

Negativity was trying to win its place in my life once again.

The endless sobbing last night drained me pretty well, and maybe that’s what I needed. I woke up and decided today that I won’t let it win.

After 4 years of dealing with panic attacks and dealing with severe pain in my back, the doctors have said all along that it was related to my anxiety and never looked further into it. They removed my gall bladder thinking it would help, and it never did.

I have been having this really bad pain that literally felt like someone was stabbing me in my spine right behind my stomach and twisting it separating my vertebrae.

That’s the best description I can think of–just super painful.

Well after giving birth 4 months ago to my third child, the pain has continued to get bad enough that it has been debilitating me physically. I haven’t been able to do half of what I did before without being in spasms. I requested an MRI and was referred to a neurologist who informed me this last Monday that they found a tumor in my spine, directly where all of the pain has been to begin with.

It was many emotions I felt mainly being fear. Fear has been one of my biggest struggles to get over. During the process of grief that I have been experiencing my mind set has changed on life in general. I realize that i have to allow myself bad days, because we are all human. Bad days are normal and they are inevitable.

I never want to unpack and live there.

Regardless if the doctors want to tell me that my pain is illegitimate to the tumor and that I am fine, I will get an answer. Because I am not fine, and once again I am having to advocate for myself 100%.

What a life lesson this has been, and I hope others can realize what I along with many others have gone through and learn to advocate for themselves, too.

I can choose to be fearful and keep thinking of all of the “what if’s” in my future and for my kids future. The thoughts I was having last night were dragging me completely down. It wasn’t until I stopped to realize what my kids must be thinking is wrong, until my mindset started to change. I realized and asked myself what good is this doing me or anyone else around me?

Negativity breeds negativity!

Hallelujah! Preach!!

Its important to put myself in the mind set that everything will be ok. I take myself back to when I was panicking in the ER room all alone wondering if I would die that day because it sure felt like I would, and I remember just how far I really have came. Because I didn’t die obviously, and I made it through.

It may sound absurd, but I have to remind myself of these things and literally give myself some reassurance that I’m going to be OK.

You should try it sometime, it really works.

It has been a challenge, but the point is that I made it.

I truly believe that god doesn’t give me more than i can handle.

Of course it’s hard to see that while your going through crap. I understand that it’s always easier said than done. Just like everything else in life. But, once you get through it all you realize the strength thats there. And maybe never realized it was ever there before.

When something negative happens in life the main point is to just get through it. I don’t plan for it because it’s nothing that i can be prepared for. So i am choosing to not unpack and live in those bad times. I dont want to  let that be the rest of my life.

I try turning it into whatever positive thing i absolutely can and use it to help propel myself forward. This is something i dont want to let set me back for too long.

Whether your faith is in God, a supernatural power, a source energy, or your inner strength, when something goes wrong in your life it is the default reaction of our brain to doubt any previous beliefs.

It’s ok to have moments of weakness, always allow yourself the feelings you are feeling. You just can’t let them control you.

Don’t lose faith in what will be.

Stay true to yourself and what you believe no matter others opinions or what they think. If you feel strongly about something so much that it’s not getting off your mind no matter what you do, address it.

The most valuable and reliable resource we automatically are born with is our intuition. I feel like we have that intuition for a reason, so many out there are so busy with life that they don’t hear it and others just ignore it thinking they may sound unreasonable if they acknowledged it. 9/10 that is not the case.

Stand your ground and stand firm in what you believe.

no matter what or who is in your way telling you your wrong.

Remember that It’s not about what anyone thinks about you, it’s how you feel on the inside. My biggest failures in life are knowing I never tried and I won’t let that stop me anymore.

For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'”

Fear shall never win.

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